Usually, when I feel the urge to write one of these What I’ve Been Up To posts, it’s because there’s been some big change in my life, like when I wrote a novel or found a new job. We’re still in the middle of a pandemic, though, and have been for a while now (I’m sure you’ve noticed…), so there haven’t been many big changes. It’s been a lot of sitting at home. Nevertheless, after a few weeks of silence on here, I felt the need to catch you up on where I’m at right now.
It’s been a weird couple of months for everyone, I’d imagine, and I’m no different. I’ve found out that I’m really not made for working from home all the time – I get really restless and bored and I don’t like how work and life become intertwined. Things become muddled, and that means my brain becomes muddled. It’s not been the absolute worst, but it’s not been the best either.
In the middle of all the pandemic stress and uncertainty, I also started EMDR therapy, which is a pretty intensive type of psychotherapy meant for dealing with trauma. I’m not going to go into the details, but it’s been very good for me, but also very exhausting. For quite some time since starting that therapy, I think I failed to see just how much my brain was dealing with and I kept being frustrated at how tired and at times depressed I was. But at some point, I finally realised that it was a lot and that I should allow myself to feel these feelings and to take time to take care of myself.
That was pretty much the point I was at about three weeks ago, and then my guinea pig Arthur got sick. I don’t feel like explaining in detail what happened, but he got very sick very quickly and after nursing him for a week I had to make the decision to let him go. He’s now up in guinea pig heaven, taking all the naps he wants and eating as many carrots as he can. He was the sweetest little guinea pig and it was very difficult to let him go, but I know it was the right decision, which helps a lot in the grieving process.
Of course, that situation didn’t help with my exhaustion. I’m doing alright, but I’ve noticed that I just haven’t felt the motivation to do many of the things that kept me going during the start of the pandemic. Since March, I’ve made a lot of videos and blog posts, and I had such a good time being so productive. But right now, I’m just not really feeling it – especially the videos. The creative urge I still felt about those videos a few weeks ago is gone now. I’m sure it’ll come back, so I’m just riding the wave trying not to worry about it, but I did feel like I should mention something somewhere because consistency is a big thing in the blogging/vlogging world. “If you want to be successful, you have to post consistently.” I’m sure it’s true, but it does add some unnecessary weight to my shoulders – which were already carrying quite a lot in the first place.
I think I’ve just grown a little bit tired of the internet in general, lately. It seems like everywhere you go, people are arguing or angry or judging others (often for valid reasons (like calling out transphobia or racism), but also very often for stupid things). I’m mostly talking about Twitter here, which feels more and more like a high school cafeteria to me. It’s always been a bit of a toxic place, but I used to be able to find a good, safe, fun place to be within it. I wanted to use Twitter to make new bookish friends and to connect to others, but I’ve not been able to do that at all lately. People are constantly just yelling at or talking about each other and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of friendliness or open communication on there anymore. Every time I close Twitter again, I feel a little more exhausted and a lot more annoyed. So, I think I’m going to take a prolonged break from there. I’m just tired of having to see everyone’s opinion on everything all the time.
So, what am I doing now that I’m not spending my time creating content? I’ve mostly just been playing a lot of Sims lately. It’s been making me feel happy and calm, and that’s just what I need at the moment. I’ve been on the edge of a reading slump for the past week and a half, but I’m trying to not let it bother me too much. I’ve picked out a nice feel-good book to read alongside the book that’s causing the slump, and it seems to be working.
All in all, it’s just a weird time. I think that’s the only conclusion I can draw from these ramblings. I’d love to hear how you’ve been doing lately. What have you been up to? How are you coping with everything? Let’s chat in the comments!